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Not sure where I even start with this. I’ve been fighting depression for many years. It’s caused me to turn to so many coping mechanisms such as porn, drugs, and alcohol just to name a few. I’m honestly not sure that I can even call myself a Christian at this point. I believe that Christ rose frome the dead, sure. But I feel like I’m not able to turn from my sin. I’m not able to feel the love of Christ anymore. Or any love for that matter. I’ve basically accepted my fate at this point. I’m honestly starting to wonder if predestination is actually a thing. Maybe I’m actually not supposed to make it through the gate. I’m even beginning to question whether I really even have a soul or not. I feel like I’m just a bag of chemicals that don’t agree with each other. It’s like Satan and God are both tugging on each of my arms telling me to choose a path, when in reality, I didn’t want to be put in this position to begin with. It honestly feels like the only reason that I believe is out of fear. This faith basically makes me feel like I’m on a leash and not a real believer. Praying is not helping. Nothing is helping anymore. I’m starting to think that it’s not going to matter if I fall away or not. I’m at a complete loss on where to turn at this point.
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Among whom also we all had our conversation in times past in the lusts of our flesh, fulfilling the desires of the flesh and of the mind; and were by nature the children of wrath, even as others….(Ephesians 2 : 3~7)
And every man that hath this hope in him purifieth himself, even as he is pure. Whosoever committeth sin transgresseth also the law: for sin is the transgression of the law. And ye know that he was manifested to take away our sins; and in him is no sin. Whosoever abideth in him sinneth not: whosoever sinneth hath not seen him, neither known him. Little children, let no man deceive you: he that doeth righteousness is righteous, even as he is righteous. He that committeth sin is of the devil; for the devil sinneth from the beginning. For this purpose the Son of God was manifested, that he might destroy the works of the devil. Whosoever is born of God doth not commit sin; for his seed remaineth in him: and he cannot sin, because he is born of God. In this the children of God are manifest, and the children of the devil: whosoever doeth not righteousness is not of God, neither he that loveth not his brother.(1 John 3 : 3~10)
He came to call sinners. There are no righteous on this earth. The principle that every life lived in the flesh can only be sin applies to all Christians. The faith of sinning, repenting, and then turning back to sin, repenting again, and repeating this until death is the carnal faith that Christians today have chosen. The reason they pursue every kind of corruption, heresy, and falsehood while serving God along with the world and material things is because their faith is only for their own happiness, blessings, and success. Thus, their lust and greed grow, and they cannot help but live a life that conceives only sin. Those who live the life of the flesh see no path. They have no evidence of faith. Their lives are nothing but hearts that become increasingly desolate and empty, worn out and defiled by the affairs of this world, with nothing that truly changes.
Love not the world, neither the things that are in the world. If any man love the world, the love of the Father is not in him. For all that is in the world, the lust of the flesh, and the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life, is not of the Father, but is of the world.(1 John 2 : 15~16)
But every man is tempted, when he is drawn away of his own lust, and enticed. Then when lust hath conceived, it bringeth forth sin: and sin, when it is finished, bringeth forth death.(James 1 : 14~15)
Even if you are awakened, make resolutions, and determine yourself through the emotion of a sermon, you can never escape from the evil habit of continually repeating sin within personal gain and interests. Christianity is man-made. Therefore, it cannot go beyond the limits of man. Truth is the power of God that leads you to turn back, no matter how much you live addicted to drugs, pornography, or alcohol. Only God can lead you out of that pit. Self-reliant awakening, resolution, and determination can never rescue you from sin. God is power. Truth is to lead you to obtain that power. Seek that truth.
For the grace of God that bringeth salvation hath appeared to all men, Teaching us that, denying ungodliness and worldly lusts, we should live soberly, righteously, and godly, in this present world; Looking for that blessed hope, and the glorious appearing of the great God and our Saviour Jesus Christ; Who gave himself for us, that he might redeem us from all iniquity, and purify unto himself a peculiar people, zealous of good works. These things speak, and exhort, and rebuke with all authority. Let no man despise thee.(Titus 2 : 11~15)
That ye might walk worthy of the Lord unto all pleasing, being fruitful in every good work, and increasing in the knowledge of God; Strengthened with all might, according to his glorious power, unto all patience and longsuffering with joyfulness; Giving thanks unto the Father, which hath made us meet to be partakers of the inheritance of the saints in light:…(Colossians 1 : 10~14)
If thou put the brethren in remembrance of these things, thou shalt be a good minister of Jesus Christ, nourished up in the words of faith and of good doctrine, whereunto thou hast attained.(1 Timothy 4 : 6)